Quare goings on

There was pandemonium down the back road on Wednesday night and it all ended in tragedy. Someone smoked the two gay yanks out of Hackett’s place by stuffing a donkey jacket down the chimney in the middle of the night. When the lads emerged coughing and choking they were then met by someone covered in a white sheet wailing like the banshee. It was a frightening ordeal for them. The fat lad Billy got a massive heart attack and died in the ambulance on the way to hospital and Robbie who wears the pink dungarees is still fierce shook. He’s still in hospital getting treatment. Garda Xavier Macgillacuddy updated me yesterday on the current investigation:

“I can tell you Larry that I am following a definite line of enquiry on this one, I started by ruling everything in and then started ruling most of it out very quickly again. I have made dramatic progress but am unable to reveal my suspicions to any journalist for operational reasons. An arrest could be immanent and I’m hoping to send a file to the DPP, I never got a chance to send him a file before.
Speaking off the record Larry, I’m sure it was that young upstart Johnny Price that did it but sure if I named him in the paper he would only get a chance to do a runner, so I can’t tell you officially Larry.”

Things are lookin’ up

Well isn’t it fantastic weather. Spring is in the air, the women’s skirts are gettin’ shorter and the tops are getting skimpy. Sure there’s nothing like it to liven up the place. Even aul’ Tommy from the hill was wearing a new outfit at mass on Sunday and him clean-shaven for the first time in six months. He was tellin’ me that he’s going all out this summer to ‘sow as much oats’ as he can. It could be the summer for it.
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They Burned their Bras

Well it’s easily known who them feminists were: you’d spot them a mile away. They’re paying for it now. Look girls, we all know there’s signs everywhere these days about keeping your headlights dipped but girls there nothing like having your full heads on to get a man’s attention.

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Saint Patrick on the Reek.

New evidence suggests that the time St. Patrick spent on Croagh Patrick, (The Reek), outside Westport, in the fifth century AD may not have been the 40 days and 40 nights of penance we were told about at school.
A recent excavation at the top of the mountain has found that there was in fact a thriving community there at the time the saint lived. Indeed the original 2 meter square excavation pit of an ancient structure near the summit has expanded and now covers an area of more than 34,000 square feet. Features uncovered include over 300 bedrooms, four large areas that look like swimming pools, some form of ancient steam room, 8 Jacuzzi’s and a large hall possibly used as a recreational drinking area.
Dr. Erin O’ Ratheillaigh-Wong says that the evidence collected so far indicates The Reek was the site of the biggest Inn and Health Spa outside of the Roman Empire.
“The greatest mystery”, she said, “is not who built it or how it was built, but how in the name of God they got planning for it”.
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