Toilet Bowls Getting Blocked

Cllr., Miley Madden has called for toilet bowls to be redesigned to prevent the occurrence of blockages, speaking from the caravan out the back road he told the Village Notes:‘the outlets in them feckin’ toilet bowls going these days are far to narrow. There’s loads of people having problems with them, Big Johnny Mulcahy was telling me that he always has to bring an aul’ clothes hanger or a length of stick with him when he’s getting on the throne. It’s past time something was done.
FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN CHECK OUT www.mayoadvertiser.com

Interactive Famine Memorial

The council have paid €10,000 of good ratepayers money to that scrawny hoor from Galway Billy Bragg for the new monument below at the cross. We were all expecting something massive for that money. Sure what is it but a woman holding a bucket of rotten spuds. A feckin disgrace! The rotten spuds are real, that’s what makes it interactive according to the sculptor’s statement:
‘my famine piece is a visual and olfactory engagement with the famine.’
Mary Halpon from the apostolic works society is doing well out of it, she has the job of replacing the spuds with ‘fresh’ rotten spuds once a week. Martin Breheny is doing well out of it too, he’s getting a hape of money for growing spuds and then blighting them. It’s criminal but sure that’s farming today, they’re either paying people not to grow things or paying them to produce shite.
The spuds are proving to be great ammo for the lads coming home from the disco on Saturday nights. When the council heard about the lads and the rotten spud fights they said this was ‘a very welcome development’:
“what started out as primarily a visual and olfactory engagement with the famine has now become a tactile experience for the youth. Billy Bragg’s reputation as custodian of the avant garde in sculpting circles is safe.”
Did you ever hear such shite?

DAVY DARBY IS OUT

They’ve let him out. Apparently the treatment is agreeing with him now and he’s no longer a danger to himself or anyone else. They reckon if he keeps takin’ the tablets and stays off the drink he’ll be sound. He’s still going on about St. Patrick, the Blessed Virgin and Big Tom appearing above at the bridge. According to the bauld Davy, Big Tom has undergone a conversion and is warning people against country and western music sayin’ it’s the work of the devil. The Blessed Virgin is still giving out about the state of the world and sayin’ that hard times are comin’ and that the end is nigh. I don’t know why it’s always the same depressing, negative message from her, maybe she has spent too long appearing in cold and damp places. She’s always fierce pale lookin’ in the pictures and the statues anyway, she could do with a bit of sun on her back to liven her up. But I suppose it’s easy for us to be saying things like that: getting pregnant at such a young age and then ending up with that aul’ lad Joseph was bound to affect her. It was no joke in fairness. Anyway her moanin’ is gone past a joke, people are fed up of it - they must be damn glad to see the back of her upstairs when she leaves to go on tour.

Is This Tommy Tiernan's Twin?