Old Folks Party

The annual party for the aul ones will be in the community hall next Sunday afternoon. Mossy Brannon will be there with the Sax and Jimmy Doorley will sing a few songs. There will only be one alcoholic drink served to those attending because of the drink driving laws. Garda Magillicuddy has promised zero tolerance in the aftermath of auld Johnny ‘the dealer’ Donaldson arrested on Christmas Eve. Johnny, a pensioner from out the Back Road was paralytic and found to be in possession of enough cocaine to drive half the village stone mad and he had enough viagra tablets to stiffen every aul lad in The Village. The problem is that the pensioners have far too much feckin’money these days and they don’t know how to spend it, between cocaine and viagra they don’t know whether they’re coming or going. They’ll be worse after next January with the budget increases. Years ago they would be paying money over to priests for masses and making donations to the church. They’re spending the money on themselves now or buying expensive presents for grandchildren and showing parents up. It’s not right. Garda Magillacuddy has warned all the aul ones that he will be carrying out random searches on the door next Sunday afternoon. Sure it’s common knowledge whose bringing in the drugs, it’s that pioneer Jimmy ‘the snozzle’ Durack and him in his seventies. Sure all that fecker ever does is sit on the high stool above in Pa’s and sip his cidona.

Fr. Fiachra’s back / Erection plans scrapped

Well there was fierce craic at mass last Sunday and we are printing an unedited extract from Fr. Fiachra’s sermon which was all about his ‘dark night of the soul’ when the devil came to him in the person of his recent visitor Monica Lucey and nearly destroyed his vocation:

“I was holding onto my vocation by my finger nails, sure all my naïve eyes could see was her beauty when I met her but when she started tempting me to give in to the wicked ways of the flesh I got suspicious. I fought that temptation all night long last Saturday night suffering shocking visions of decadence and tormenting scenes of a graphic nature. I fought it with all my faith and prayed rosary after rosary while sweating profusely and, getting violently sick: all I brought up was green mushy liquidised peas, and I never eat peas. I was certain I was going to die until I saw this vision of a white longhaired man with a beard knocking down a tower made of lego. It was then I realised what it was all about. The longhaired fella was God and the lego tower is the spire I’m trying to build. Right there and then I promised faithfully to shelve my plans to build the spire and then all the torment left me. It was then I understood that even the arrival of Monica Lucey into my life had been linked to my preoccupation with financing the erection of the spire. The erection of the spire was a stupid idea of mine, foolhardy in the extreme. Reflecting back on it I now realise it was God who used the devil to get through to me.”
So there you have it, exciting stuff but I don’t know what he was doing all the fighting for sure a good blow out over a few nights is good for any man or woman. Unfortunately Monica has left the village, there would be no shortage of volunteers for her ‘temptation and torment’and maybe even a bit of punishment if she was dishing it out. Sure the only way to cure temptation is to give in to it. Isn’t it marvellous how some people get great opportunities to sin while the rest of us in rural Ireland only dream of what a sex life might be like. Oh the clergy get all the softness, always did.

Open letter from Tommy from the hill to Michael Ring T.D.,

This week, which is positive ageing week we feature an open letter from Tommy Goggins to Michael Ring T.D., on some of the issues facing pensioners in rural Ireland.

Dear Michael,
I had a letter there last week from Bobby Daly over in Thailand. He left this godforsaken place six months ago because he was crippled with rheumatism and boredom. He’s feeling younger than ever and according to him the women over there don’t have any of the aul hang-ups that they have here in the West of Ireland. His pension buys him all he needs and wants in Thailand, sure you’d just about feed yourself and have a couple of drinks on the pension here.
I have a home help from the Health Board coming around to me twice a week. She is being well paid by the health board to provide me with the services I need but in three years I never even got a decent slobbery kiss off her. Every New Year’s eve I brush me teeth, have meself well shaved and one year I took a bath before she came over on the off chance. I nearly caught me death of cold out of having that bath, I was in bed for a week after it. It wasn’t the result I was hoping for. Every New Year’s Eve she comes over and I don’t even get a hug off her. Sure its time there was proper services available to bachelors living on their own in rural Ireland. Bachelors have needs too. See Michael when you have a nice fire down and a bit of grub in your stomach you’d be ready for other things especially when you’d be feeling clean after a bath. It’s like bringing a horse to water, getting’ him in the mood for a drink and then telling him he’s not allowed to drink, sure that’s pure cruelty.
And there’s no point in telling me about the public health nurse she’s no better she doesn’t even wear a proper nurses uniform when she calls. Mary Beatrice Clancy is lively alright but she is only into middle-aged men not pensioners.
I have me hopes that you’ll be able to do something for me because of your new portfolio with responsibility for rural affairs. The more affairs we can have in rural areas Michael the better. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
All the best,
Tommy Goggins.

Tourists gone

Well they’re all gone now. Sure it was a quiet enough aul summer: there was a fair amount of excess drinkin’ done but sad to report very little in the way of debauchery or scandal. Not one local made a complete eejit out of themselves in the last three months. It’s a bad do. Sure people are gettin’ far too self-conscious. Well there’s nothing to be got from being too feckin’ miserable and careful, it’s good to have the bit of craic. Once upon a time there was plenty eejits in every village and you’d have fellas going around off their heads especially when there was a full moon. Sure all the local characters are drugged into being normal now. Even when Davy Darby threw aside the tablets last week he was still fairly sensible. There was a time he’d have gone off the head completely: even mental illness isn’t what it used to be. It’s worrying. I wouldn’t wonder but that asshole George Bush is beaming stuff at us from them satellites in space, making us all too normal. Sure who knows what the yanks would be at?
Anyway the summer was quiet and sure the weather was desperate. The Henry sisters only wore their minis for one night back in the month of May and only a handful of people saw them. Most of the lonely bachelors didn’t and were robbed of havin’ a decent bit of fantasy fodder in for the long cold damp winter ahead.
Speaking of the Henry sisters, they’ll soon be headin’ back to college and this feckin place will be even more miserable, even in their red anoraks and baggy jeans they’re a sight to behold.
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