The Garda Phone Prank

Tommy did you see where the local paper has just found out that someone played a trick on the guards with two mobile phones. Sure that was up on the internet on 25th December 2006 on http://www.gingerpixel.com You know what they say Tommy, better never than late.

How to Handle the Bum Question

After the annual festive indulgences no doubt the Missus is feeling a little sensitive about her weight. She turns around and arches her back slightly, her jeans almost ripping at the seams, and asks:
Question: “Does my bum look big in this?”

Answer1: I can’t see because your fat arse is blocking out the light.
Consequence: Cold meals until March.

Answer2: Wow! Yes, but you know how I like a woman with a big ass.
Consequence: Cold meals for the rest of the week and you are watched like a hawk every time Majella Freebody cycles by the house.

Answer3: Are you sure those are the right jeans? They seem away too big for you.
Consequence: Even though she knows you’re lying through your teeth, she will feel much better. Warm meals and a if you’re lucky a bit of “dessert” too. (Warning: many men get to this stage only to make the cardinal error of slapping her big bottom and quoting some lines from a cowboy movie. Try to resist this, it could be fatal.)

For the rest of this week's Village Notes Column, get hold of a copy of the MAYO ADVERTISER.

The Picture of the Fellow with the Sheep over there on the Right

Jasus Tommy, I was wondering for a long time where that picture over there on the right painted by my great great grandfather went. So it was you that had it all along. Of course you know that that's a picture of a distant uncle of yours in the red jacket. Georgie, all dressed up in his tights. He was a great man for coming around the back door was Georgie. You'd think from that picture he was one of that shower that lived above in the big house and only an aul' hovel at him warmed by the breath of his two pigs. They're not even his sheep in that painting, sure he hadn't a sheep to his name.

What was New years day like in 1907? – I interviewed Peteen “The Awkward Bollox” McGonagle for some info.

Tommy: Howaya Peteen.

Peteen: Hah?

T: Howaya Peteen.

P: Hah?

T: HOWAYA PETEEN.

P: HOWAYA TOMMY.

T: ANY CHANCE YOU MIGHT TURN THE HEARING AID ON?

P: OK

T: Good Man. Tell us about New Years Eve 1907.

P: Who wants to know?

T: It’s me. Tommy Gilmartin, from the far bog. You’re nephew.

P: Oh, Mikey’s youngest son, the nosey little bollox with the girls hair, is it?

T: Er, yeah, I suppose so.

P: I never liked you.

T: Ok. Any chance you might tell us about New Years Eve 1907.

P: They said you were queer.

T: Lookat, I can go and talk to old Stevie Vaughan just as quick.

P: No doubt. He is queer too.

T: Allright, good luck. But there was a bit of cash in it.

P: New Years Eve 1907? Times was hard.

T: “Times was hard.” Look Peteen, I’m not a fucking yank y’know. I’m
asking about New Years Eve – not the conditions in the workhouse during the famine.

P: Fuck off so.

T: I will. And I’ll take the hundred and fifty euro fee with me.

P: New Years Eve 1907. I spent it in a hay barn hiding out from the Tans.

T: The Tans didn’t arrive until 1920.

P: Hah?

T: How old are you Peteen?

P: I’m 97. And I’m still as horny as a ram. (Don’t get any ideas.)

T: Ah for fucks sake!! You weren’t even born n 1907!

P: Or maybe I’m 107. I forget.

T: Yeah, well you can forget this too. Good luck.