Big Maggie Henderson received a two-month suspended prison sentence for assaulting Barry the stripper at the Valentine’s night party in Pa’s. She represented herself in court and claimed that she got all confused when he shook his exposed tackle at her.
“I thought it was the head of a turkey Judge and I lashed out at it. See I lost an eye two years ago when a turkey savaged me.”
Judge Matilda Divine said she took a very dim view of the matter and told Maggie that she should be at home saying her prayers with a hot water bottle beside the fire and not out ogling strippers in Pa’s.
“If you come to my attention again you’ll be doing time. You should be ashamed of yourself.”Barry is recovering well from the groin strain but had to wear a large coat in court to cover the swelling.
TO READ THE REST OF THIS WEEKS COLUMN CHECK OUT http://www.mayoadvertiser.com AND CLICK ON THE LINKS
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Ructions at Valentine's Night Party
The bus was on time, Pa’s was packed, the chips and cocktail sausages went down great and the strip show for the men worked a treat. Then Barry the Pole and Paul from down Pontoon way got up on stage. Well nearly all the men went out for a smoke at that stage except young Stevie Reilly from the Back Road and Marty Doheny: you wouldn’t mind Marty staying sure he’s stone mad.
Anyway the lads were giving it loads and no sooner had Barry the thong off but didn’t Big Maggie Henderson who was sittin’ at the front lunge at him like a thing possessed. She yanked, pulled and dragged him all over the place. Didn’t a few other pensioners start to join in at that stage. Poor aul’ Barry ended up with a ferocious groin strain and bad bruising in the tackle area. Dr. Mc Donald says it could take a month for the swelling to go down. Maggie was unrepentant and went home shouting ‘kill all turkeys,’ ‘kill all turkeys,’. She farmed turkeys for years until she lost an eye when one savaged her two years ago. She is up on an assault charge at next weeks court sitting.
TO READ THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN GET YOURSELF A COPY OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER OR CHECK OUT http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
Anyway the lads were giving it loads and no sooner had Barry the thong off but didn’t Big Maggie Henderson who was sittin’ at the front lunge at him like a thing possessed. She yanked, pulled and dragged him all over the place. Didn’t a few other pensioners start to join in at that stage. Poor aul’ Barry ended up with a ferocious groin strain and bad bruising in the tackle area. Dr. Mc Donald says it could take a month for the swelling to go down. Maggie was unrepentant and went home shouting ‘kill all turkeys,’ ‘kill all turkeys,’. She farmed turkeys for years until she lost an eye when one savaged her two years ago. She is up on an assault charge at next weeks court sitting.
TO READ THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN GET YOURSELF A COPY OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER OR CHECK OUT http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Valentine’s Night Party
There’s a big night in Pa Brophy’s next Wednesday night. There’s male and female strippers lined up, Pa will be laying on the cocktail sausages, chips, chicken wings and sandwiches. Terry Hafner, the pioneer, will be using the secondary school bus to do a round of the village and collect everyone at 9:30pm after the news and weather and dropping everyone home at 12:30am. He has promised to give the bus a bit of a clean but sure the smell of hormonal teenagers might stir some of ye up a bit. Ye have no feckin’ excuse for not turning up. Be at yer gates in time. Ye can drink as much as ye want. Cover charge is €3, sure you wouldn’t insult a child by giving them that for sweets these days. The Department of Education is sponsoring the bus but we’ll say no more about that.
TO READ MORE OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN SEE http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
TO READ MORE OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN SEE http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Twenty Percent EXTRA FREE
Twenty Percent EXTRA FREE!!
“Sweet sufferin’ Mother o’ Jee...” That was the cry heard up and down the country this week as householders opened up their new and improved ESB bills.
20% extra free – but not for you.
The people in charge at the ESB have to live too – they have their own exorbitant ESB bills to pay.
But what can we do to keep the cost down?
Get rid of the telly.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly. Think of the money you will save.
Turn off lights, even when you are in the room.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly in the dark. Just think of the money you are saving.
Turn off the heat and put on your coat.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly in the cold dark wearing a coat. Think of the money you are saving.
Stop taking showers.
After a few weeks the body will begin to naturally cleanse itself. Either that or you just get used to the smell.
Don’t use the washing machine.
After a few weeks you’re clothes will begin to naturally cleanse themselves.
Don’t boil a kettle.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting in a quiet, cold, dark room wearing a coat and drinking a cup of cold tea.
Get fit and cut your costs with a pedal power generator.
It’s basically an old bike connected up to a large dynamo, it doesn’t generate much electricity but it helps you pass the evening without any TV or lights.
To view the rest of this week's column see http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
“Sweet sufferin’ Mother o’ Jee...” That was the cry heard up and down the country this week as householders opened up their new and improved ESB bills.
20% extra free – but not for you.
The people in charge at the ESB have to live too – they have their own exorbitant ESB bills to pay.
But what can we do to keep the cost down?
Get rid of the telly.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly. Think of the money you will save.
Turn off lights, even when you are in the room.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly in the dark. Just think of the money you are saving.
Turn off the heat and put on your coat.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting quietly in the cold dark wearing a coat. Think of the money you are saving.
Stop taking showers.
After a few weeks the body will begin to naturally cleanse itself. Either that or you just get used to the smell.
Don’t use the washing machine.
After a few weeks you’re clothes will begin to naturally cleanse themselves.
Don’t boil a kettle.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting in a quiet, cold, dark room wearing a coat and drinking a cup of cold tea.
Get fit and cut your costs with a pedal power generator.
It’s basically an old bike connected up to a large dynamo, it doesn’t generate much electricity but it helps you pass the evening without any TV or lights.
To view the rest of this week's column see http://www.mayoadvertiser.ie
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