2006 In The Village

Well, It’s the end of another year. Not a lot happened, again; but we have compiled a list of things anyway.
Most Talked about Woman in The Village: Mary Gilhooly – You could see a new spring in the step of every man in the village the day she paraded those new boobs in her tight pink top and you could hear the clunk of the jaw of every man in the village hitting the ground the day she moved in with that American lady.
Scandal of the year: Gary Cartey selling the sod of turf on E-Bay for 5 euro but charging 800 euro for postage to the States.
Entrepreneur of the year: Gary Cartey for selling a sod of turf to a yank on E-Bay for 5 euro but charging 800 euro for postage to the States.
To see more of this week's column check out page 6 of the Mayo Advertiser, www.mayoadvertiser.ie or get yourself a hard copy.

Whose turning Gay in the Village

The pink shirt and the roll neck jumper have been spotted on your clothes line today. You probably got them in the sales or something. Get rid of them within the next two weeks and nothing more will be said.

Happy Christmas

There was an awful poor crowd in Pa's last night Tommy. We're going to have to do something to resurrect the rural pub scene. I have a few ideas but we'll launch them in the New Year. I'm just about to square up to the ham and turkey roll, carrots and spuds Tommy. I'll be over later so leave the outside light on and have the kettle boiled for the hot whiskeys.

Days Gone By: A Christmas Story

Years ago Christmas was not the commercial extravaganza it is today. I hear some parents telling their young ones that if they are not good Santa will only leave a lump of coal in their stocking, well if Santa had left me a lump of coal I would have been the happiest ladeen in Ireland.We didn’t have stockings for our feet never mind to hang up on the fireplace. The only thing I got on Christmas morning was a kick in the arse from the old fella if I was late leaving for mass and.............
FOR MORE OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN CHECK OUT www.mayoadvertiser.ie OR GET YOURSELVES A HARD COPY OF THE PAPER.

Unfair Media Coverage.

The recent media analysis of last weeks budget has left a sour taste in a lot of mouths in the village. The “experts” go on about their married couple with two kids on 60,000 euro a year with a 300,000 euro mortgage being 2000 euro better off; what about the single man living alone with a few acres of land and a small herd of cattle?

No, sure we don’t matter.

And then there's the Nally case and the whole world thinks we are as mad as Pat Dineen's retarded sheep dog. (His name is Top, he wakes up every morning see's his own tail, and chases it around in circles until night fall.)

We're not all running around with loaded shotguns, (only some of us), and all travellers aren't criminals. most of them just want a bit of cash for an honest(ish) days work.

Ah sure the Dublin media think we're all just after crawling out of the bogs down here. They like to look down their noses at us - they think the world revolves around that dirty congested traffic jam they call a city. Roight?

Sure it’s the same with the weather – a puff of wind down in Dublin and the whole country is on hurricane alert.

Ask Uncle Larry

Dear Larry,
The wife spoke to me yesterday for the first time in the last year. She says she is not enjoying our regular sex on a Saturday night. I felt so traumatised I’ve gone back on the drink. Trouble is she will have a lot more to say now when she finds out about my drinking. What can I do Larry?

Traumatised in Turlough

FOR LARRY'S REPLY CHECK OUT PAGE 8 OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER www.mayoadvertiser.com OR GET YOURSELF A HARD COPY.

Traveller Shoot after Mass on Sunday

Welcome to the Wild Wild West!!
Well I’m glad ye saw the funny side of it up your end. It’s far more serious down here. Paddy McGudgen the secretary of the GAA club has teamed up with Charlie Heston from the Gun Club and they are organising a traveller shoot after mass on Sunday. They reckon it will be an annual event and there will be a season for it just like there is for shooting duck. The season will start every year on the 4th October and run until Christmas Day. Nally will be down on Sunday to fire the first shot. There was talk that he had sold thaul’ gun on ebay for a six figure sum, some Museum for the death of Justice and Fairness in America was said to have bought it. He definitely has the gun back Tommy and he’s ready to roll.

Nally Verdict Sparks Unrest in the Village.

Never mind the floods Larry, Everything has gone to hell here in the past twenty four hours. No sooner had the Nally verdict been announced than half the village put on their cowboy outfits and started a whoopin' an' a hollerin'. The rule of law has lost it's grip on the place - I knew putting all them guards in Ballinaboy was a bad idea. Thank God for Matty McGoulder, he always wanted to be a sherriff and has had an American accent since the age of five (even though he hates yanks). Well, he's shaping up to be a fine sherriff, - here we see him breaking up a bit of a scuffle between the Billy Molloy and the Francie Brennan down by the old well. It's amazing how things have changed overnight - where did all the tumblweed come from?

That's your shack in the back Larry, it looks well since you had it done up last spring.

Campaign for Special Rural Driving Test

Tommy, did you see that fellow who put that comment on your bit about How things are up your end - when I saw him first I thought he might be a Theologian or an Accountant but apparently he’s involved in politics. I was wondering if we might get him to launch the campaign for the launch of the special rural driving test that incorporates drink driving as part of it. He’d probably do it for nothing whereas if we got Eamon Dunphy down or managed to resuscitate Shane McGowan they would both probably charge a fee. What do you reckon Tommy? We’re still flooded down this end, there’s swans swimming below at the cross and the council have closed the road. The forecast is not looking great either.

Bartley "Mind the Nettles" Flanagan gets his Ass arrested

Good Man Larry.
I’m sure you remember how in the old days you could amble out of the pub, climb into the cart and your faithful donkey would deliver you safely to your door – well old Bartley "Mind the Nettles" Flanagan tried this last month. He thought there wasn’t a thing the gaurds could do since he wasn’t driving, but didn’t they pull him and bag the donkey. The miserable creature had been at the leaky beer barrels at the back of the pub. He’s due in court next month – It’s not the first donkey the Judge has had up before him on drink driving charges.
Regards,
Tommy.

Drink Driving

Well there was a fair aul’ stir in town yesterday, Tommy. Only took me half an hour to get there in the tractor. No sign of any Guards. Anyway I got me few messages; beans were half price in Supervalu. Bought two dozen. Them fuckin’ tins are only half filled with beans anyway. I remember a time when a tin would last me a day and a half. Down to Reillys with me then and didn’t I bump into the Hanrahans: Paudie and Marty. I had five pints and then a brandy and port for the road. Coming out the door the air hit me and I felt a bit woozy right enough but I remembered where I parked the tractor and I managed to walk along the edge of the footpath without falling. I was the grandest. Sure any man that’s not fit to drive after a few drinks is only a girl's blouse.
It’s past time they incorporated drink driving into the rural driving test anyway. If they tested everyone once every two years on it and gave you a certificate to say you were safe to drive after a few pints then you could show that to the barman and the Guards if they stopped you. The barman would give you the number of drinks it said on the cert if you were driving.If the Guards stopped you they could test you to see had you any more drink on you.

On the way to the tractor I bumped into Guard Hughes.
‘Howaya Larry, are you ready for the Christmas.?’
‘Am I fuck!……. how are all the Hughes' keeping?’
He was telling me his mother Maggie has a bad dose of the shingles.
I danced her in the good old days: she was a great goer on the dance floor, but slow enough at everything else.
Anyway I drove home in twenty minutes, I felt like I was flying. What a feeling! Operation freeflow is working. Never mind what that shower of fuckin’ whingers above in Dublin are saying. Always fuckin moanin’ they’re as soft as loose shite up there. Any news up your side Tommy?

Things up my end.

Things arn't great up my end, but we don't want to lower the tone of the place before we even start. Suffice to say that the doctor has put me on a high fibre diet. Jeo Ferry has asked me to tell those lads swimming in the flood in his back fields that that land was sprayed with enough chemicals to trigger a US invasion last summer, so if bits start falling off them in a few days they have only themselves to blame. See how impressed the girls will be then?

Hay Wrap Floating at the Crossroads

The flooding down at this end of the Village is something unnatural, Tommy. We haven’t seen the postman with a week and I’m fast running out of tins of beans. I’m going to head off into town tomorrow on the tractor to get meself a few messages, no tax or insurance on her but sure the guards have little to be doing if they’re going to be chasing me for that.
Do you know the first thing I spotted when I got up this morning was a big hay wrap floating around down at the cross with the letter ‘S’ on it. I immediately looked up to Pa Brophy’s field and didn’t I see that right enough the ‘S’ was missing from the FUCK OFF CROWS message which he had scribbled across them. There was a crowd below at the cross so I headed down. Pa was below with the rest of them laughin’ his head off like he always is.
‘Some poor fucker is missin a wrap,’ he said.
That poor fucker ‘could be you’ says I like them lads Aunt and Dick do say it on that I’m a Celebrity programme.
He looked into the field and saw the ‘S’ missing. There wasn’t another word out of him. The next I heard he was revving fair hell out of the tractor and heading straight for the crowd.
‘Out of my fuckin way Lawless or I’ll run you down.’
He had the wife Bridie down with him, and got her to swim across to put a rope on the bale - she’s one hairy woman is Bridie. She learned to swim when she was working with the nuns. How is things up your end Tommy?

Clarification of Vatican Position on Condom Usage

The Village Notes has learned from an anonymous source (good man Fr. Fiachra) that the Vatican is soon to announce it has amended it’s stance on the use of condoms and it will no longer be a sin to use them in certain circumstances. However any use of the Banana Flavoured range will still be a MORTAL SIN under ANY circumstance.

Aul’ Wans Party
Let ye write it down somewhere so ye don’t forget it. It’s on next Sunday in the Community Centre, starting at 7pm. Paddy Finnegan will be there with his melodeon and Sr. Concepta Immaculata, the swingin’ nun will be there with her guitar. The ladies club will be making the tea and sandwiches (nice to see ye getting back to the stuff ye are really good at ladies!) and Tommy Finnegan has sponsored a few prizes: there’s a bottle of whisky, a few boxes of Complan, a tin of biscuits and a few packs of soft sweets. There was some confusion last year as to what age you had to be. It was feckin ridiculous there was people over 70 going around saying it was only for the over 80’s. Well to avoid confusion this year, if you’re 60 or over you’re an aul’ wan so get down there next Sunday and have the craic. And for the benefit of Maggie McGillacuddy you’ll be thrown out if you start feeling the young fellas arses like you did last year: young Nolan had a bad bruise for a fortnight after you.

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