Church Care Team

Trials for the church care team will take place at 3.30pm next Sunday. Anyone interested can sign up in Pa Brophy’s at 3pm. Fr. Fiachra will be doing the judging. The first round will be shining the candleholders with a dry cloth; anyone found with a tin of brasso will be disqualified. Second round will be a stretching competition: who can reach the highest cobweb and the third round will be the really physical side of things. Ye’ll be put through yer paces by Fr. Fiachra, he’ll make ye run 3 laps of the high field while trying to shine chalices. Tea and sandwiches in Pa’s after the competition. All welcome. Proceeds from the event will go to the church spire restoration fund.
FOR MORE OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN CHECK OUT THE MAYO ADVERTISER AT:
www.mayoadvertiser.ie

Nature Report

When you think of all the things we take, without a second thought, from this beautiful land of ours: the rivers and lakes give us water to drink and fresh fish to eat, the rich earth grows our nutritious vegetables and the grass to feed our livestock so we can have meat to eat, grains for our bread and to feed our chickens who lay us eggs. We take, take, take, but do we ever give anything back?
I do. Three or four times a year I go up the bog and bury a trailer load of tin cans, glass and plastic bottles, old clothes, crockery, maybe an old bike or a broken TV, anything to hand really. Over time these will rust and rot away and enrich the surrounding soil with their goodness. It’s a long term investment, they say a child’s nappy takes a million years to break down in the soil – well a million years from now the soil might be glad of it.
TO READ THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN GET YOURSELF A COPY OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER OR CHECK OUT PAGE 15 OF THE PDF EDITION AT http://www.mayoadvertiser.com

Garda Prank Call Now Animated

Tommy, just when we thought we had heard the last about the Garda prank, hasn't some bright spark added animation to it. Isn't it great what can be done with computers, Tommy.
Click this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YwQ9mRyBjc

More Strippers Wanted

Feckin hell Tommy, we have competition. I see there in this weeks Mayo Echo that they're lookin for strippers as well in the recruitment section at the bottom of page 19. It was the bright colours that drew me to the advert: naznookie.com is the website. If Pa Brophy wants a class act in the pub to draw the crowd he will have to pay handsomely for it now. It's supply and demand Tommy. Anyway Tommy, maybe our successful applicants didn't see it. It would be a pity to lose them now to another crowd and have to go through the recruitment process again. Still I suppose if we have to interview a new batch and get them to audition, so be it.

A Great Response!

Ye'll have to excuse the silence over the last few days but Tommy and myself have been busy looking at all the stuff ye have sent in auditioning for the stripping gig in Pa Brophys. Fair play to ye girls, there were some saying ye wouldn't be up for it. Tommy and meself are both suffering from eyestrain at the moment and a trip to the optician will have to be on the cards before long. We have decided not to adjudicate on the pictures ye lads are sending in. We're sending them to Georgie over in Garrymore who's a good judge of men-so he says anyway. The smart alec who sent in the picture of the old cow and poor aul' Mary Bessie from the Low Road must have something better to do with his time. Anyway let ye keep them coming girls, the calibre of entrant is high at the moment.

Mike's Question.

Mike asked: Do you seriously think that people in Rural Ireland wil go to a strip tease act in their local pub?

That's a good question Mike and the answer, according to our market research, is - Yes!
The results of a questionaire we circulated show that the top five entertainments people would like to see in their local are:

5: Big Tom and The Mainliners. (after 33 years at number 1, how times have changed.)

4: A Seance. (Talking to the dead is as popular as ever.)

3: Topless Mud Wrestling. (There was a pub in a village not far away that tried to liven up the atmosphere with topless mud wrestling a few years ago, it was a massive sucess but had to be stopped because it was disturbing the game of 25 that was taking place in the corner.)

2: 25 Drive. (The old reliable, but the top prize of a turkey is under review. Suggestions are welcome. Any ideas - Please leave a comment.)

1: Strippers. (We were as surprised as anyone but that's what they want. We'll just have to wait and see how it goes. Although, I have to admit, it is hard to imagine Pat from over the bridge and old Tommy from the hill having a discussion about the price of buttermilk in 1952 while Bernie -(The Bouncer)- McGettigan is getting her kit off in front of them.

Strippers Wanted

Poor aul Pa Brophy reckons he’ll have to close our local because the takings were down badly over the Christmas. Tommy and meself have been racking our brains on this one but we reckon a few strippers could be the answer. We don’t want to be sexy about this so both men and women are needed. All ye hunky men and feisty women out there can send your entries to Tommy and myself. We may have to compile a shortlist and conduct interviews before making our final selection......
FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S COLUMN CHECK OUT, www.mayoadvertiser.ie OR GET YOURSELF A HARD COPY OF THE PAPER

The Fella on the right with the sheep.

Yes, that is indeed Georgie Gilmartin, he was a bit of a ponce I’ll give you that, but that picture doesn’t show him at his best or tell the whole story. It is true that he had not a sheep to his name but that is only because he was allergic to them and came out in a rash if one was near, and this was why he had to wear the cotton dresses.
If you look closely at the picture you will se a relation of your own Larry – Paddy the Fish. So called because he had not yet fully evolved. Sure my family were developing a tolerance for alternative cultures before your family had managed to crawl out of the swamp. Some say ye didn't get far from it anyways.
No offence.

The Garda Phone Prank

Tommy did you see where the local paper has just found out that someone played a trick on the guards with two mobile phones. Sure that was up on the internet on 25th December 2006 on http://www.gingerpixel.com You know what they say Tommy, better never than late.

How to Handle the Bum Question

After the annual festive indulgences no doubt the Missus is feeling a little sensitive about her weight. She turns around and arches her back slightly, her jeans almost ripping at the seams, and asks:
Question: “Does my bum look big in this?”

Answer1: I can’t see because your fat arse is blocking out the light.
Consequence: Cold meals until March.

Answer2: Wow! Yes, but you know how I like a woman with a big ass.
Consequence: Cold meals for the rest of the week and you are watched like a hawk every time Majella Freebody cycles by the house.

Answer3: Are you sure those are the right jeans? They seem away too big for you.
Consequence: Even though she knows you’re lying through your teeth, she will feel much better. Warm meals and a if you’re lucky a bit of “dessert” too. (Warning: many men get to this stage only to make the cardinal error of slapping her big bottom and quoting some lines from a cowboy movie. Try to resist this, it could be fatal.)

For the rest of this week's Village Notes Column, get hold of a copy of the MAYO ADVERTISER.

The Picture of the Fellow with the Sheep over there on the Right

Jasus Tommy, I was wondering for a long time where that picture over there on the right painted by my great great grandfather went. So it was you that had it all along. Of course you know that that's a picture of a distant uncle of yours in the red jacket. Georgie, all dressed up in his tights. He was a great man for coming around the back door was Georgie. You'd think from that picture he was one of that shower that lived above in the big house and only an aul' hovel at him warmed by the breath of his two pigs. They're not even his sheep in that painting, sure he hadn't a sheep to his name.

What was New years day like in 1907? – I interviewed Peteen “The Awkward Bollox” McGonagle for some info.

Tommy: Howaya Peteen.

Peteen: Hah?

T: Howaya Peteen.

P: Hah?

T: HOWAYA PETEEN.

P: HOWAYA TOMMY.

T: ANY CHANCE YOU MIGHT TURN THE HEARING AID ON?

P: OK

T: Good Man. Tell us about New Years Eve 1907.

P: Who wants to know?

T: It’s me. Tommy Gilmartin, from the far bog. You’re nephew.

P: Oh, Mikey’s youngest son, the nosey little bollox with the girls hair, is it?

T: Er, yeah, I suppose so.

P: I never liked you.

T: Ok. Any chance you might tell us about New Years Eve 1907.

P: They said you were queer.

T: Lookat, I can go and talk to old Stevie Vaughan just as quick.

P: No doubt. He is queer too.

T: Allright, good luck. But there was a bit of cash in it.

P: New Years Eve 1907? Times was hard.

T: “Times was hard.” Look Peteen, I’m not a fucking yank y’know. I’m
asking about New Years Eve – not the conditions in the workhouse during the famine.

P: Fuck off so.

T: I will. And I’ll take the hundred and fifty euro fee with me.

P: New Years Eve 1907. I spent it in a hay barn hiding out from the Tans.

T: The Tans didn’t arrive until 1920.

P: Hah?

T: How old are you Peteen?

P: I’m 97. And I’m still as horny as a ram. (Don’t get any ideas.)

T: Ah for fucks sake!! You weren’t even born n 1907!

P: Or maybe I’m 107. I forget.

T: Yeah, well you can forget this too. Good luck.