Thursday, December 7, 2006
Things up my end.
Things arn't great up my end, but we don't want to lower the tone of the place before we even start. Suffice to say that the doctor has put me on a high fibre diet. Jeo Ferry has asked me to tell those lads swimming in the flood in his back fields that that land was sprayed with enough chemicals to trigger a US invasion last summer, so if bits start falling off them in a few days they have only themselves to blame. See how impressed the girls will be then?
Hay Wrap Floating at the Crossroads
The flooding down at this end of the Village is something unnatural, Tommy. We haven’t seen the postman with a week and I’m fast running out of tins of beans. I’m going to head off into town tomorrow on the tractor to get meself a few messages, no tax or insurance on her but sure the guards have little to be doing if they’re going to be chasing me for that.
Do you know the first thing I spotted when I got up this morning was a big hay wrap floating around down at the cross with the letter ‘S’ on it. I immediately looked up to Pa Brophy’s field and didn’t I see that right enough the ‘S’ was missing from the FUCK OFF CROWS message which he had scribbled across them. There was a crowd below at the cross so I headed down. Pa was below with the rest of them laughin’ his head off like he always is.
‘Some poor fucker is missin a wrap,’ he said.
That poor fucker ‘could be you’ says I like them lads Aunt and Dick do say it on that I’m a Celebrity programme.
He looked into the field and saw the ‘S’ missing. There wasn’t another word out of him. The next I heard he was revving fair hell out of the tractor and heading straight for the crowd.
‘Out of my fuckin way Lawless or I’ll run you down.’
He had the wife Bridie down with him, and got her to swim across to put a rope on the bale - she’s one hairy woman is Bridie. She learned to swim when she was working with the nuns. How is things up your end Tommy?
Do you know the first thing I spotted when I got up this morning was a big hay wrap floating around down at the cross with the letter ‘S’ on it. I immediately looked up to Pa Brophy’s field and didn’t I see that right enough the ‘S’ was missing from the FUCK OFF CROWS message which he had scribbled across them. There was a crowd below at the cross so I headed down. Pa was below with the rest of them laughin’ his head off like he always is.
‘Some poor fucker is missin a wrap,’ he said.
That poor fucker ‘could be you’ says I like them lads Aunt and Dick do say it on that I’m a Celebrity programme.
He looked into the field and saw the ‘S’ missing. There wasn’t another word out of him. The next I heard he was revving fair hell out of the tractor and heading straight for the crowd.
‘Out of my fuckin way Lawless or I’ll run you down.’
He had the wife Bridie down with him, and got her to swim across to put a rope on the bale - she’s one hairy woman is Bridie. She learned to swim when she was working with the nuns. How is things up your end Tommy?
Clarification of Vatican Position on Condom Usage
The Village Notes has learned from an anonymous source (good man Fr. Fiachra) that the Vatican is soon to announce it has amended it’s stance on the use of condoms and it will no longer be a sin to use them in certain circumstances. However any use of the Banana Flavoured range will still be a MORTAL SIN under ANY circumstance.
Aul’ Wans Party
Let ye write it down somewhere so ye don’t forget it. It’s on next Sunday in the Community Centre, starting at 7pm. Paddy Finnegan will be there with his melodeon and Sr. Concepta Immaculata, the swingin’ nun will be there with her guitar. The ladies club will be making the tea and sandwiches (nice to see ye getting back to the stuff ye are really good at ladies!) and Tommy Finnegan has sponsored a few prizes: there’s a bottle of whisky, a few boxes of Complan, a tin of biscuits and a few packs of soft sweets. There was some confusion last year as to what age you had to be. It was feckin ridiculous there was people over 70 going around saying it was only for the over 80’s. Well to avoid confusion this year, if you’re 60 or over you’re an aul’ wan so get down there next Sunday and have the craic. And for the benefit of Maggie McGillacuddy you’ll be thrown out if you start feeling the young fellas arses like you did last year: young Nolan had a bad bruise for a fortnight after you.
IF YE WANT TO READ THE REST OF THIS COLUMN GET A COPY OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER OR CHECK IT OUT AT www.mayoadvertiser.com
Aul’ Wans Party
Let ye write it down somewhere so ye don’t forget it. It’s on next Sunday in the Community Centre, starting at 7pm. Paddy Finnegan will be there with his melodeon and Sr. Concepta Immaculata, the swingin’ nun will be there with her guitar. The ladies club will be making the tea and sandwiches (nice to see ye getting back to the stuff ye are really good at ladies!) and Tommy Finnegan has sponsored a few prizes: there’s a bottle of whisky, a few boxes of Complan, a tin of biscuits and a few packs of soft sweets. There was some confusion last year as to what age you had to be. It was feckin ridiculous there was people over 70 going around saying it was only for the over 80’s. Well to avoid confusion this year, if you’re 60 or over you’re an aul’ wan so get down there next Sunday and have the craic. And for the benefit of Maggie McGillacuddy you’ll be thrown out if you start feeling the young fellas arses like you did last year: young Nolan had a bad bruise for a fortnight after you.
IF YE WANT TO READ THE REST OF THIS COLUMN GET A COPY OF THE MAYO ADVERTISER OR CHECK IT OUT AT www.mayoadvertiser.com
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