Best Before Dates

Did you ever hear such nonsense - as if things go rotten in hours? Sure it takes days for that to happen. They just put those dates on things to sell more stuff. It’s all about turnover, and making sure the wild animals get their share of food out of every house. I can well remember going into shops and buying rashers cut off a side of bacon that had a dozen blue bottles walking on it and poor aul Malachi Brophy coming out to serve me and him pullin’ up his fly and then cuttin’ a pound of ham for me. Sure it never did me a bit of harm and the ham going them days had a good strong taste on it, not like the tasteless soft watery stuff you get these days. They have stomachs as weak as kittens nowadays, sure the least little bit of dirt they eat they get the scour and then they’re into the doctor and the doctors are throwing them bottles and capsules. It was rarely you saw a doctor in my day and if you did you knew you were fecked. Make no mistake about it every generation is getting weaker.
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Toilet Bowls Getting Blocked

Cllr., Miley Madden has called for toilet bowls to be redesigned to prevent the occurrence of blockages, speaking from the caravan out the back road he told the Village Notes:‘the outlets in them feckin’ toilet bowls going these days are far to narrow. There’s loads of people having problems with them, Big Johnny Mulcahy was telling me that he always has to bring an aul’ clothes hanger or a length of stick with him when he’s getting on the throne. It’s past time something was done.
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Interactive Famine Memorial

The council have paid €10,000 of good ratepayers money to that scrawny hoor from Galway Billy Bragg for the new monument below at the cross. We were all expecting something massive for that money. Sure what is it but a woman holding a bucket of rotten spuds. A feckin disgrace! The rotten spuds are real, that’s what makes it interactive according to the sculptor’s statement:
‘my famine piece is a visual and olfactory engagement with the famine.’
Mary Halpon from the apostolic works society is doing well out of it, she has the job of replacing the spuds with ‘fresh’ rotten spuds once a week. Martin Breheny is doing well out of it too, he’s getting a hape of money for growing spuds and then blighting them. It’s criminal but sure that’s farming today, they’re either paying people not to grow things or paying them to produce shite.
The spuds are proving to be great ammo for the lads coming home from the disco on Saturday nights. When the council heard about the lads and the rotten spud fights they said this was ‘a very welcome development’:
“what started out as primarily a visual and olfactory engagement with the famine has now become a tactile experience for the youth. Billy Bragg’s reputation as custodian of the avant garde in sculpting circles is safe.”
Did you ever hear such shite?